Common Mom

In the past 3 weeks, I’ve been witness/victim to numerous events that have greatly increased the amount of wisdom I hold in my little brain. Of course, I feel obligated to share this infinite wisdom with you all.

Did you know that a 7 year old can actually request to play Monopoly 150 times in any 21 day period? Did you know that if you’re really tired, a Monopoly game with a 7 year old can last until the next morning? Did you know that if you’re really sick of Monopoly, you can kick a 7 year old’s ass in approximately 13 minutes and 42 seconds? 

Did you know that a Jeep Grand Cherokee has a speed sensor? Yup, a speed sensor. And did you know that if this sensor were to say, stop working, your Jeep would also stop working? You see, this little sensor is what tells the Jeep when to shift. Without it, the Jeep has absolutely no idea how fast you are or are not going and will randomly shift, or not, just to drive you crazy.

Did you know that it takes 2 days and costs approximately $597.48 to replace a speed sensor?

Did you know that when you are the 2nd car in a line of 4 cars that are in a chain-reaction rear-ending accident, the damage done to your vehicle is around $2800? Did you know that the insurance company will make you fill out approximately 36 different forms to describe the accident before they will pay your chiropractor to fix your neck?

Did you know that even though the screen on your cell phone goes completely blank, said phone will still work?

Did you know that the cheapest phone you can buy when you walk in to a Verizon store costs $180? Unless, of course, you want to sign a 2 year contract - then the phone is free. And they don’t care that you’ve been a customer for the past 5 years and that you just renewed your contract 6 months ago and got that free phone which promptly broke so you started using your 4 year old phone because it still works. But they may be able to dig a refurbished phone out of the drawer and sell it to you for around $50 if you write the check directly to them. And hey, this refurbished phone might even come with the charger cord! What a deal!

Did you know that you can sneakily use the color printer at the office to print your letters from Santa when the perfect printer you own and love decides to break just when you need it most?

Did you know that you can make sugar cookie dough from scratch when King Soopers runs out of prepackaged sugar cookie dough the day that you volunteer to make 3 dozen cookies for your daughter’s winter festival?

Did you know that you just BARELY have to knock the canisters with the sugar and flour together to cause the flour canister to shatter and turn you in to a giant Pillsbury Dough Boy?

Did you know that it takes approximately 5 drops of regular Dawn dishwashing liquid to make your dishwasher suds out the top? Anyone seen the Brady Bunch? Ya - it was kinda like that - but the dishwasher instead of the washing machine.

Did you know that it takes a 7 year old approximately 30 seconds to recover from his amazement at the suds flowing out of the dishwasher and grab the phone to call Dad.

Did you know that even MAOMs can move at the speed of light when preventing son from calling Dad to tell him that Mom broke the dishwasher?

Did you know that you must run a dishwasher 3 times to rid said dishwasher of suds from regular Dawn dishwashing liquid?

Did you know that when a dishwasher is full of suds, the tops to Pampered Chef adjustable measuring spoons will float out of the silverware holder and land on the heating element? Did you know that the tops to Pampered Chef adjustable measuring spoons melt and warp when they land on a heating element in the dishwasher? Did you know that I no longer have Pampered Chef adjustable measuring spoons?

Did you know that simply pushing a plastic fork in to a soft taco from La Casita will cause the fork to snap in half?

Did you know that 7 year old boys with wonderful father’s as role models are very sensitive and will offer to help you scrub the kitchen floor because “You’ve had a rough day and should just go relax for a little while.”

“Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.” - J. Winter Smith

I’m sure we’ve all read these tips before, but with the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season upon us, sometimes we forget. So here is your friendly reminder

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
 
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single- malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
 
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
 
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
 
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
 
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
 
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
 
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
 
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
 
Remember this motto to live by:
 
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

A couple months ago, I asked you all to pray for Keira’s preschool teacher, Ms. Lupita, and her family. They are trying to adopt a little girl and are having major difficulties. Go here for the original post and some background.

I had hoped I’d have good news to report, but in fact, it’s just the opposite. Turns out the Mexican government and the US government cannot play nice, even when the life of a little girl is what’s at stake. After the mixup I wrote about in the previous e-mail, things were going well. Then, the Mexican government decided that they needed an original birth certificate for Ms. Lupita’s husband, who was born in Massachusetts (or Maryland, I can’t remember for sure). So they got one. Then the Mexican government decided that the birth certificate was a fake, because Massachusetts is not a state. WHAT?! They actually said this to Ms. Lupita . . . that they were lying to the Mexican government and that her husband didn’t really exist because Massachusetts is not a state. She was SOOOO mad. She gave them the whole tirade about how it is so insulting because she was born, raised, and educated in Mexico and this makes them look stupid because all they would have to do is get on the Internet to see that Massachusetts is indeed a state in the United States. They finally said OK, but then, the Mexican government decided that this was not good enough. They needed the doctor who actually delivered her husband to sign said birth certificate. The problem - he’s dead. The Mexican government will not budge! The governor of Massachusetts has done all he can to help her, short of forging the dead guy’s signature, which he just can’t do.

So, that’s where it sits right now. And what really sucks - the Mexican government is closed for holiday the entire month of December, so there is nothing Ms. Lupita can do to try to move this forward until they open on January 9th. And if you remember from the original post, Little Girl’s Visa expires on December 15th. So guess what happens on December 15th - yup, Little Girl has to go back to the orphanage in Mexico. Can you believe it?! I am so mad I can’t even describe it. This poor little girl who has lived in this loving home for the past 3 years since she was 5, will now have to go back and live in an orphanage in Mexico because whoever is in charge of adoptions down there can’t get their shit together and let this girl live in a wonderful home with wonderful parents and 3 wonderful step brothers. Oh, and it’s holiday, so they won’t help right now - so put Little Girl’s life on hold and come back in January.

Ms. Lupita will travel to Mexico on January 9th, they day the government opens again, to see if she can get the Visa renewed and bring her little girl home. If she can’t get the Visa renewed, Little Girl has to stay at that orphanage until the adoption is complete, which Ms. Lupita estimates will take another year.

Please pray for Ms. Lupita and her family. What a difficult Christmas this will be for them, knowing their Little Girl is alone in an orphanage. Please pray that this Little Girl will have the strength to make it through this month until she can come back to her family in the US. And please pray that this adoption gets finalized and this Little Girl can live in the loving home she deserves.

My bloggy friend Pam started a meme for My Favorite Things . . . so I thought I’d play along! I’m going to skip the things that are OBVIOUSLY my favorites . . . like family, cute little puppies, presents, and the like

1. Snow - lots and lots of snow. I love snow. I love to watch it fall from the sky. I love to watch my kids play in it. I love to get all bundled up and go play in it with them. I love sledding in it. I love the bone-chilling, snot-freezing cold that usually accompanies it. I LOVE snow!
2. Water - especially lakes. I grew up in MN and we spent our summers at the lake camping, fishing, swimming, skiing, hanging out with friends. I love to be in the water swimming and jumping in and playing water volleyball and water skiing and fishing.
3. The smell of fire. I LOVE the smell of a campfire or fire in our wood-burning fire place. Nothing says eat s’mores or watch a movie like the smell of a fire.
4. The smell of rain. Andrea also had this on her list. Who wouldn’t like the smell of rain? It’s so pure, cool, and refreshing. Breath in a couple lungs full of that and all is right with the world.
5. Fall - the weather is perfect and the leaves on the trees are BEAUTIFUL! I don’t think there is a better season. In fall you can do it all . . . golf, swim, hike, grill out on the deck, wear shorts, wear sweatshirts - it’s all good! I love the beautiful Aspen gold we get mixed with the deep green of the pine here. I miss the wonderful red, yellow, orange, purple colors of the trees I saw along the river as a kid in MN. Also, my birthday is in fall - that might have something to do with my love of the season!
6. Birthdays - yours, mine, everybody’s. Everyone deserves to be king/queen/prince/princess for a day on their birthday.
7. CC - Canadian Club. My favorite drink - Canadian Club whiskey on the rocks. I’m easy to buy for
8. Scrapbooking - I LOVE scrapbooking! Not only do I get to spend time with friends when we get together for “crop circles” but I also get to relive all the moments I’ve shared with my children. I hope they will cherish the books I’ve made for them as much as I do right now. Even now, at 7 and 4, they love to look through their books and are amazed at how little they were “back then.” They each have one full album for each year of their life so far. Did I mention I like scrapbooking?
9. Outside - I am not happier than when I’m outside. If it’s nice, we hike or play baseball in the cul de sac or go to the park or ride bike or go golfing or hang out at the pool or just play. If it’s raining, we get our rain gear on and run around the cul de sac, splashing in the water and making mud pies. If it’s snowing, we get bundled up and make mini-luge tracks in the yard, sled down the street before the plow makes it, build tunnels, make snowmen, throw snowballs.
10. Sports - I am a sports freak. Sports I participated in as a kid: racquetball, water skiing, swimming, volleyball, basketball, softball, bike riding. Sports I’ve participated in competetively: volleyball, basketball, softball. Sports that helped me pay for college: softball. Sports I participate in as an adult: volleyball, softball, racquetball, golf, ice skating, biking, snow skiing, hiking, swimming. Sports that I enjoy watching: baseball, football, hockey, ice skating, soccer (when my kiddos are playing).

So there are a few of my favorite things. I could go on and on and on with my list . . . The Sound of Music, A Christmas Story, milk chocolate, peppermint stick ice cream, watching minor league baseball at the stadium, a clean house, hot apple cider with cinnamon schnapps, road trips, my job (yes, I love my job), reading…

So, what are a few of your favorite things?

My boss sent me a message today about her friend, Mia. Mia and her twin daughters are going to be on the Oprah segment titled “One More Day” on Wednesday, and of course I’m totally going to TiVo it. Well, I won’t TiVo it, because I don’t have TiVo . . . but I’ll beg a friend to do it for me Here is the message from my boss.

“Here’s an Oprah you won’t want to miss…our friend Mia and her twin daughters, Kerry and Skylar, will be on Oprah tomorrow. Mia lost her husband, Kerry, to melanoma almost 5 years ago. Two years after he died, she gave birth to Kerry’s daughters (obviously through artificial insemination). Mia was a champion for Kerry, who made friends with everyone he encountered in life. This is a story of love and human sacrifice and determination. It’s part of a show they’re titling “How would you spend one more day with someone you loved?” ”
http://www.firstgiving.com/daveline

How WOULD you spend one more day with someone you loved?

On Sunday, my hubby decided to try a new recipe . . . Caribbean Seafood over rice. And it was DELICIOUS! Chopped peppers, chopped onions, mushrooms, shrimp, and talapia boiled in coconut milk and a bunch of other stuff I don’t know about, served over a bed of white rice. Anyway, my little dude loves to help Dad cook. So he went out and put on his little apron and chef hat and started helping. While the food was simmering, he created a menu for me and Keira to order off of. He put Macaroni and Cheese, PB&J, Caribbean Seafood, wine, kid wine, chocolate milk, water, and strawberry milk on it. He of course HAD to have a name for his restaurant, so he decided on Chef’s Choice . . . pretty good if you ask me! We were instructed to sit down in the living room so he could take our order. We of course complied. He came out with his order pad (Yes, he and Keira have real order pads for their kitchen . . . a whoppin’ $10 for 15 of them at Staples) and took our order. I of course ordered the Caribbean Seafood and regular white milk. Keira ordered PB&J and strawberry milk, but was quickly informed that they were indeed out of PB&J (we really WERE out of PB) so she had to have the Caribbean Seafood - fair enough. When it was time to eat, we were directed to our seats at the table and my little dude served us our lunch. Multiple times throughout the yummy meal he asked us if our meal was OK and if we needed anything else. Then, when we were all finished and had thanked the cooks, Keira and I got up to start clearing the table. BIG mistake! Jason informed us that we had not paid yet. So off he went to get our bill and the credit card holder . . . he actually made a credit card holder and a credit card for me to pay with! After we paid, he informed all of us that since this was HIS restaurant and Dad was the cook, that he and Dad had to clean up the table and do all the dishes while Keira and I “left” the restaurant. Dad just grinned and shook his head. I really like this restaurant! If you’re ever in the area, I highly recommend you visit Chef’s Choice

As a tip, I gave my little dude $6 to take to school today to head to the Thunder Store at lunch time and buy the Thunder Water Bottle he’s been coveting since school started in August.

So I got served a wonderful meal and he got his water bottle. I also got to see Hubby teach Little Dude about cooking. How wonderful it is to see my two dudes bonding, in the kitchen of all places. I love that they love to cook; I love that Hubby is willing to help out in all aspects of our home; and I love that he is teaching both of my children that the Mom, Dad, and kids are all equals when it comes to pitching in and keeping our house in order. All is well in the Boedie household!

I immensely dislike Eddie. I apologize in advance if you know and love an Eddy - but me, I dislike Eddy.

Eddy the miniature whirlpool created when the flow of water doubles back on itself - oh how I dislike you. Really, it’s not your fault that rafting guides LOVE you because you look all innocent. They say “Hey crew - who wants to practice flipping the raft? It’ll be great fun!” A majority of the rafters raise their paddle in salute because to us, it seems like a break. Mr. Guide says “Well, there’s an Eddy just around the corner - we’ll paddle in there and flip the raft.” JERKS! Once the raft is flipped, there’s no going back, and with a boat full, or not at this point, of inexperienced out-of-shape rafters, righting the raft is akin to hiking Mt. Everest. Oh Eddy, how I dislike you.

Eddie Munster, it’s not your fault that that you have those freaky pointy little ears, but they’re still freaky, like a bat - and Spock. And for that, I dislike you.

Eddie Haskel you smooth-talking mother-snowing creep! There’s just something about your wirey frame and “Anything, Mrs. Cleaver” that makes me want to jump through the TV, smack you upside the head, and say “Dude - leave that innocent woman alone! It’s not her fault she’s stuck in that dress and pearls and heels to wait on her 3 ‘men’ hand and foot!” Because of that, Eddy Haskel, I dislike you.

Eddie Bauer, oh how I despise you! You created clothes that would only fit 12 year olds and super models. Then you created a pair of jeans that fit a middle-aged, overweight mother just perfectly and make her feel sexy so she’ll want to go back to the Eddie Bauer store and buy another pair, preferably in a different wash. You hire only 6 foot tall toothpick thin sales people who have mastered the fake smile and the “Hello there, Sweety, how ya doin’ today? Just to let you know, our sweaters are buy one get one 1/2 off today.” And this is the ONLY thing they know how to say today. When MAOM says she’s looking for jeans, much like the ones she’s wearing, 6 foot tall toothpick thin salesperson gives a blank stare and says “But our sweaters are BOGO 1/2 off today. They’re all right here in the front of the store.” MAOM says thanks and walks to the back where she can see the jeans laying neatly on their shelves - calling her name because they’re sorted by short, average and tall. MAOM almost makes it to said jeans when 5′ 11″ tall toothpick thin salesperson, who has also mastered the smile says “Well hi there Hon, how ya doin’ today?” MAOM, who is almost ready to puke right there on the floor, pulls out HER fake smile and says “Fine, thanks. I’ve found the jeans.” 5′ 11″ toothpick thin salesperson says “Oh. Well, our sweaters are BOGO 1/2 off today. They’re all in the front of the store if you want to follow me up there to take a look.” Um, no thanks, I’ve found the jeans. I try on the jeans. Eddie, you SUCK! You apparently have only made one pair of jeans that fit MAOM perfectly and make her feel sexy. Defeated, MAOM heads toward the door, where I was given my very first hooker name . . . 6′ 1″ tall stick thin sales person who has perfected the fake smile comes running after me yelling “Thanks for stopping in! Be sure to come back and see us again Baby Doll.”

And for that, Eddie Bauer, I despise you!