Common Mom

I’m sure we’ve all read these tips before, but with the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season upon us, sometimes we forget. So here is your friendly reminder

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
 
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single- malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
 
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
 
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
 
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
 
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
 
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
 
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
 
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
 
Remember this motto to live by:
 
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Happy Turkey Day To All!!! We’ve got  two families coming over today to enjoy Turkey Day Dinner with us. We’re orphan families, so we decided to get together. And really, we HAD to have people come over because my hubby is completely incapable of making a normal sized turkey - he’s got to get at least a 20-pounder. There are only 4 of us. And while I love turkey soup, and turkey sandwiches, and turkey commercials (don’t know what that is? You’re not from the midwest, are you?!) . . . well, you CAN have too much of a good thing. So, we’re off to start making Turkey Dinner for 12 Woo hoo!

Here’s a sample of what a typical Turkey Day schedule was for me as a child growing up in the midwest . . . land of Catholics, Lutherans, and big families!

7:00 a.m. - Wake up to make casserole/orange fluff/dessert to take to Turkey Day Dinners at G’ma’s/Aunt’s house.

10:00 a.m. - Arrive at maternal Grandma and Grandpa’s house for “brunch.” You arrive at 10:00 because they asked you to be there at 11:00 - if you’re not early, you’re late! And you just KNOW they’ll need help setting up, even though they’ve been cleaning for 3 days straight.

11:30 a.m. - Get in line to get Turkey Day feast from buffet, elbowing your 15 cousins so you can be sure to get some orange fluff from the “salad” section of the buffet. Sit down and eat while taking as loudly as possibly in teeny tiny kitchen. After 7 minutes, make joke about how loud it is, everyone laughs, everyone takes a bit of food, chatter begins and steadily gets louder. After 7 minutes, lather, rinse, repeat.

12:00 p.m. - Open mouth wide while Grandma shovels the last bite of potatoes into your mouth because she just can’t bear to throw it out. “Eat this, or I’ll give it to the dog!” Um thanks G’ma - I’d love to have some, uh, dog food.

12:15 p.m. - Begin cleaning up kitchen with the other women while the men watch football or play pfeffer (don’t know what pfeffer is? You’re not from the midwest, are you?!).

1:30 p.m. - Mention that you have to get going because Dad’s sister is having Thanksgiving at 3:30 at their house.

2:15 p.m. - Actually walk out the door.

2:30 p.m. - Arrive at Dad’s sister’s house because you were asked to be there at 3:30 p.m. If you’re not early, you’re late! And, you are certain they will need assistance getting set up.

4:00 p.m. - Get in line for Turkey Dinner from the buffet, elbowing 9 cousins to make sure you get in line early enough to get some green fluff from the “salad” section!

4:04 p.m. - Get in trouble for not taking enough food - you’re going to waste away, you know!

4:30 p.m. - Continue stuffing food in your face even though you’re way too full and can’t possibly eat another bite.

4:40 p.m. - Wonder why oh WHY you didn’t remember to wear pants with an elastic waist?!

5:00 p.m. - Wiggle your fat ass out of the chair and try to get up to help clean up the kitchen while the men watch football.

6:00 p.m. - Mention that you must get going otherwise you’ll fall asleep right there on the couch next to Grandpa, with his pants unbuttoned and mouth wide open snoring.

7:00 p.m. - Actually walk out the door, with several containers of left overs in your hands.

7:30 p.m. - Arrive home, put on the biggest pair of pants you own, grab a beer, and watch football in the quiet of your own home.

We had so much fun growing up with all of our cousins around, laughing and playing at Grandma’s house. That is one thing I wish I had for my children - family closer. But, we have a great family of friends here and are making memories of our own that I hope my kids will cherish forever.

What’s YOUR Thanksgiving Day ritual?

Please sing to the tune of Frere Jacques (or Are You Sleeping, Brother John) 

Turkey Dinner, Turkey Dinner
Gather ’round, gather ’round
Who will get the drumstick, yummy yummy yum stick
All sit down, all sit down
Cornbread muffin, chestnut stuffin’
Pumpkin pie, 2 foot high
We were all much thinner, before we came to dinner
Me Oh My, Me Oh My

Yes, I know you all hate me now - but didn’t that get you in the mood for Turkey Day?