Common Mom

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is 25 years older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter! We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your son Jeff

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That is in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it’s safe to come home.

I am amazed whenever I hear my 7 and 5 year olds tell me jokes that I was telling as a child. Sometimes I let them tell me the joke, and other times I say the punchline and ruin it for them . . . then I have to explain to them that I told that joke or did that trick as a child - which usually brings on the “Wow - that was around in the olden days?” comment Lately, I’m even more amazed at how my 7 year old will suck me in to jokes without me knowing it - he’s a clever one!

Jason: Hey Mom. You’re good at spelling. How do you spell icup?
Me: I - C - U - P.

7 year old falls off chair and rolls on the floor laughing his little hiney off.

Boys . . . some things will never change

Hubby: Hey - does anyone want tea or hot chocolate?

Jason: Yes, please. I’d like some mint tea.

Keira: Oh ya! Can I please have some hot chocolate?

Hubby: Sure.

Jason: Thanks - this is yummy!

Keira: Oh yummy! Thanks for the whipped cream on top! But I can’t see inside. Are the mushrooms in the hot chocolate?

Hubby: Yes, Keira. The marshmallows are in the hot chocolate.

Any Survivor fans out there?

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of “pretend” bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment, and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, and keep fingernails manicured and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings, but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth, and comb their hair by 7:00 a.m.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, and doctor’s name, as well as the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor; each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear, and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if . . . he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother.

Life decisions that people make are never simple. The importance of the initial decision should always be examined over the long run. Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way. Consider the following two choices…

Should I Get A Dog

Or Have Children

At my expense . . . hey, it’s good to be able to laugh at yourself and admit that you’re a dumbass!

ACT I/SCENE I

The Setting:

After a 4 hour whirlwind tour of homes with yellow lab puppies for sale, a tired family of 4 rides silently, but happily, toward home in their Jeep. It’s late, it’s dark, and the kids are tired.

Everyone is silently jumping out of their skin at the excitement that will crest tomorrow when they get to pick their very own puppy from a litter of 9 bundles of joy. To celebrate, the family pulls in to Mc D’s and gets some good ol’ ice milk cones from the drive through.

The Conversation:

Me: Yumm-Y! This is a yummo ice cream cone.
Hubby: Yup - pretty darn good.
M: ‘Cept the cone’s a bit stale.
H: Hmmm. Ya think?

30 seconds of silence

M: Either that, or I’m a complete dumbass.
H: Are you ACTUALLY eating the paper wrapping?
M: Um, yes, I might possibly be eating the paper wrapping.

ACT I/SCENE II 

The Setting 

Family of 4 continues ride in Jeep, erupting into fits of laughter at Mom’s stupidity. Mom is getting uncomfortable because even though she had to use the restroom 3 hours earlier, they never had a chance with the whirlwind tour of homes selling yellow lab puppies.

The Conversation

M: I have GOT to stop laughing or I’m gonna pee my pants!
H: I was wondering whatever happened with that - didn’t you say you had to go to the bathroom like 3 hours ago?
M: Yes, I did. And NO I have not gone yet.
Jason: (from back seat) Gulp Gulp Gulp Ahhhhhhhhh! This water sure is good! (leaning forward to hold bottle by mom’s nose) Hey Mom, want some? It sure is good. You should really drink some of this great water to stay healthy. Gulp Gulp Gulp

Yes, my 7 year old son is a smartass!

I’m sure we’ve all read these tips before, but with the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season upon us, sometimes we forget. So here is your friendly reminder

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
 
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single- malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
 
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
 
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
 
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
 
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
 
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
 
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
 
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
 
Remember this motto to live by:
 
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

After playing our gazillionth game of Battleship, I sent Jason in to get ready for bed. About 30 seconds after he enters the bathroom I hear “Hey Mom! Something happened to my toothbrush!”

Um, what? What possibly could have happened to your toothbrush between 7:00 a.m. and now? We were all gone at school and work, then at gymnastics, then he and Keira played hockey in the house while I made dinner, then we all ate together, then we all played Battleship. I had to rack my brain (for all of 20 seconds) to try to figure out what possibly could have happened to his toothbrush during that time.

So I head to the bathroom to see what has happened. The bristles on his toothbrush are a bright magenta color. Not blood colored, magenta colored. Then it hit me - Keira was alone in the bathroom for a whoppin’ 5 minutes. She had been sent in to brush her teeth and get ready for bed and spent longer than normal in there - and was VERY quiet. I finally asked her what she was doing and she said “flossing.” Excellent - she’s flossing!

Turns out, she’s a big fat liar. She wasn’t flossing . . . she was busy painting her brothers toothbrush with “pail nolish” that she had just taken out of her “good choices” box that Grandma had sent her. You see, Keira had a rough few weeks, so Grandma sent her a box with some fun small things in it. When Keira made good choices a couple days in a row, she got to choose something out of the box. Last night, she chose the last item, which was a small bottle of magenta colored “pail nolish.” She then BEGGED me to paint her toenails. I said it was too late today, but maybe tomorrow we’d do it. She was happy with that answer and happily skipped down the hall to the bathroom to put her pail nolish away and brush her teeth for bed. Apparently, making good choices all day and getting her prize was more than she could handle. She made a bad choice and decided to paint Jason’s toothbrush with it! Does it seem ironic to anyone else that she made a very bad choice with the good choice prize she had just earned?

So I quietly placed the fuzzy bag that contains her nail polish and lip stuff on the counter next to her breakfast bowl - and also placed Jason’s magenta colored toothbrush right next to it. The next morning, she sat down and said “What’s this? Jason, what happened!” The look of total shock on her little face was amazing! I fully expect the Emmy to arrive on our doorstep any day now. I calmly took the magenta pail nolish out of the bag and set it next to the toothbrush - a perfect match! She couldn’t possibly comprehend HOW any of this had happened - had the mouse done it while we were sleeping? Had Jason done it and blamed it on Keira? I think not.

So, Keira cried and screamed as I took away the bag with the fuzzy handle and told her it was being put in toy jail until Dad got home this weekend and we could talk about it. She thought it was totally unfair that I was taking ALL of it when she only used one item for her bad deed . . . AH HA - she admitted it! I explained that I obviously couldn’t trust her with any of it and that I was disappointed because I thought we’d talked about her not using it without me around and without asking.

So, the pail nolish and lip gloss (all courtesy of Grandma) are in toy jail for 4 more days. Losing them isn’t as bad for her as knowing that they’re in toy jail . . . toys have been known to disappear in toy jail and never be seen again if the offense was bad enough!

Will she have magenta toes in time for the pool next summer? Only time will tell - and these are the Days Of Our Lives.

This past weekend, I took the kids to Rotelli for dinner. I wasn’t in the mood to cook and I was in the mood for pasta. Now I must brag and say that my children are well-behaved in restaurants - most of the time. There have been incidents where they’ve lost privileges, but we’ve never had to get To Go boxes and leave before we finished our meal.

So the three of us are sitting there happy as clams - me just hangin’ out and Jason and Keira quietly playing with their pizza dough. Our wonderful waitress brought their drinks and was talking with the little one in pigtails, whom the waitress thought was the sweetest thing on the planet. Keira of course was workin’ it with all her might - she’s actually earned herself free dessert in the past! Waitress left to go get my glass of wine, and upon returning, began talking with eldest one in camoflauge, who was also hamming it up - or so I thought. In truth, he was just a distraction for my youngest, who CLAIMED to be picking up her napkin off the floor under the table. Just as Waitress was getting ready to walk away from the table, the little one in pigtails popped up from under the table and blew in her straw, shooting the wrapper off the end and right into the forehead of Waitress! I was horrified! However, the waitstaff standing at the wait station seemed to think it was hilarious, and, after rolling on the floor laughing, brought us an extra basket of the garlic rolls the kids love so much.

So much for free dessert!