Common Mom

I immensely dislike Eddie. I apologize in advance if you know and love an Eddy - but me, I dislike Eddy.

Eddy the miniature whirlpool created when the flow of water doubles back on itself - oh how I dislike you. Really, it’s not your fault that rafting guides LOVE you because you look all innocent. They say “Hey crew - who wants to practice flipping the raft? It’ll be great fun!” A majority of the rafters raise their paddle in salute because to us, it seems like a break. Mr. Guide says “Well, there’s an Eddy just around the corner - we’ll paddle in there and flip the raft.” JERKS! Once the raft is flipped, there’s no going back, and with a boat full, or not at this point, of inexperienced out-of-shape rafters, righting the raft is akin to hiking Mt. Everest. Oh Eddy, how I dislike you.

Eddie Munster, it’s not your fault that that you have those freaky pointy little ears, but they’re still freaky, like a bat - and Spock. And for that, I dislike you.

Eddie Haskel you smooth-talking mother-snowing creep! There’s just something about your wirey frame and “Anything, Mrs. Cleaver” that makes me want to jump through the TV, smack you upside the head, and say “Dude - leave that innocent woman alone! It’s not her fault she’s stuck in that dress and pearls and heels to wait on her 3 ‘men’ hand and foot!” Because of that, Eddy Haskel, I dislike you.

Eddie Bauer, oh how I despise you! You created clothes that would only fit 12 year olds and super models. Then you created a pair of jeans that fit a middle-aged, overweight mother just perfectly and make her feel sexy so she’ll want to go back to the Eddie Bauer store and buy another pair, preferably in a different wash. You hire only 6 foot tall toothpick thin sales people who have mastered the fake smile and the “Hello there, Sweety, how ya doin’ today? Just to let you know, our sweaters are buy one get one 1/2 off today.” And this is the ONLY thing they know how to say today. When MAOM says she’s looking for jeans, much like the ones she’s wearing, 6 foot tall toothpick thin salesperson gives a blank stare and says “But our sweaters are BOGO 1/2 off today. They’re all right here in the front of the store.” MAOM says thanks and walks to the back where she can see the jeans laying neatly on their shelves - calling her name because they’re sorted by short, average and tall. MAOM almost makes it to said jeans when 5′ 11″ tall toothpick thin salesperson, who has also mastered the smile says “Well hi there Hon, how ya doin’ today?” MAOM, who is almost ready to puke right there on the floor, pulls out HER fake smile and says “Fine, thanks. I’ve found the jeans.” 5′ 11″ toothpick thin salesperson says “Oh. Well, our sweaters are BOGO 1/2 off today. They’re all in the front of the store if you want to follow me up there to take a look.” Um, no thanks, I’ve found the jeans. I try on the jeans. Eddie, you SUCK! You apparently have only made one pair of jeans that fit MAOM perfectly and make her feel sexy. Defeated, MAOM heads toward the door, where I was given my very first hooker name . . . 6′ 1″ tall stick thin sales person who has perfected the fake smile comes running after me yelling “Thanks for stopping in! Be sure to come back and see us again Baby Doll.”

And for that, Eddie Bauer, I despise you!

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