Aug 27th, 2007
Disappointing Our Kids
I was reading an article on Baby Center about 12 discipline tactics that really work. Imagine my happiness when I saw the one that said we shouldn’t be afraid to disappoint our kids. How true is that! I know so many parents that don’t want their children to ever feel sad or disappointed, so they go out of their way to make sure that their kids always win, always get what they want, never have to feel bad when they make a bad choice and lost a privilege - suddenly, the privilege is no longer lost because they don’t want their child to feel left out.
I can’t imagine letting my kids grow up without ever feeling disappointed . . . it’s part of life - life is not fair; you do not get everything you want; you don’t always win; you don’t get an “oh that’s OK” every time you make a bad choice - some bad choices just really are not OK. And if we as parents don’t allow our kids to feel that disappointment every now and then, how can we ever help teach them how to deal with it and move on? There is disappointment around every corner, along with all the good and fun things in our lives. Everybody needs to learn how to deal with disappointment and find the good things in our lives. We’re continuously raising a generation of kids who feel entitled . . . entitled to play the same amount of time as everyone else in a soccer game; entitled to get whatever they want to eat; entitled to get paid for everything they do, including common household chores; entitled to be constantly entertained; entitled to win everything; entitled to be constantly patted on the back for the tiniest accomplishment. You know what the “reward” for being good in the car, at the store, at the playground, is at our house? The reward is that you don’t get grounded - good behavior is expected, not rewarded. No way are my kids perfect, and neither am I - that’s why toy jail exists . . . it’s usually got something in it . . . whether it’s a Gameboy, a baby carriage, or the occasional mimi - yes, I’ve taken away the comfort blanket for an entire day and night when necessary - I know, I’m an awful parent, but it sure makes a mark on the little one’s brain about what is and is not acceptable!
So here’s my little informal poll . . . Do you stick to your punishment, even if it breaks your heart to see your child sitting on the sidelines with tears in her eyes watching everyone else eat cake at a party while she doesn’t get any? Do you always let your child win at games so they won’t feel bad? Do you reward for expected behavior, or punish for bad behavior?
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I love this post….I wish I could teach your children! I too agree that disappointment is part of life and a necessary lesson to learn. I stick with my punishment….even if I am not the popular mom at that moment. I do give negative consequences for negative choices, but I do try to reward above and beyond good choices too. I think certain things are just expected…just good manners and the way we should act….but I also think some things are extra special and deserve to be recognized.
I loved every word of this post!! Thank you for writing it!
Absolutely agree . . . there’s always a “thank you for being good, I really appreciate it.” when they behave themselves. You have to let them know that you recognize their good behavior and appreciate it
And of course if we make them do something out of the ordinary, like sit through an entire wedding and reception, ride in the car for 14 hours, that kind of stuff . . . there are special rewards for good behavior - whether it’s a treat when we stop at the gas station or something from the dollar store, etc. We can’t expect our children to be perfect, but we do need to let them know that we appreciate them when they try really hard.
When I was teaching it would drive me CRAZY when parents made empty threats to their children. I know with Brooke (my step-daughter) she knows that if I say- I mean it. If I tell her to do something she does it because she knows if she doesn’t there will be a consequence- and I don’t threaten- I promise. She’s older now so it’s not really an issue anymore, but when she was little she knew that she had better do what I told her to do. The reason I think she listens so well now is that she learned when she was little what was expected of her. Too often you see parents with out of control teenagers and they wonder what happened- when it’s obvious that the child always had control.
I know hard times will come with Hailey too. But she will have to face disappointments too- it’s part of life.