Sep 24th, 2007
Kids’ Birthday Parties
Apparently I’m still on the topic of birthday parties 
Of course, now that school has started, the birthday party invitations have been pouring in. I will never forget the October of 2005 . . . my son was invited to 9 birthday parties in that single month! We went to 4 of them. So far this year, my son has only gotten one, which he declined. He didn’t want to go. I was surprised, but I certainly wasn’t going to force him to go (he’s a partier and has never turned down an invitation before!). My daughter got two last week. The first one was for Girl A, and the typical parental interrogation ensued…
Me: Hey, who is Girl A? Do you play with her?
K: No. She’s a not very nice girl. She hits and pulls hair and pushes. I don’t play with her or sit by her at lunch. But Teacher makes me lay by her for resting time.
Me: I think we’ll decline the invitation to her birthday party, then.
K: Noooo - I really want to go to the party!
I went on to explain that there would be other parties, and besides, she has a soccer game at 12:30 that day - right in the middle of the 11:00-1:30 party. We of course had the “you wanted to play soccer and you made a commitment to the team and you can’t just not show up - and besides, I’m coaching and I certainly can’t just not decide to show up” talk. She was actually OK with it and said she really did not want to miss soccer for Girl A’s party anyway since she’s not very nice. So, I tried to respond for Girl A’s party, but the e-mail address provided was invalid (I tried 3 different days) and the phone number was “inconclusive” - meaning, I was not sure of the numbers that were written, and the message on the answering machine gave no indication that I had actually reached the correct house. I ended up writing a note of decline on the back of the invitation and putting it back in Girl A’s folder at school. Hopefully she got it.
The next day arrives and yet another invitation is in Keira’s folder. She hands it to me and says, without prompting . . . “I like Girl B. We play all the time. She is very nice. I sit by her at lunch. I want to go to her party.”
HA! Fast learner that one is I have actually heard about Girl B before and knew that Keira actually did like her and play with her. So, we are going to Girl B’s birthday party.
But, I have many questions about kids’ birthday parties . . .
When your children have parties, do you typically invite the whole class, or let your children choose who to invite? I’ve always been against the whole class thing for many reasons. First, my kids don’t play with everyone, and not every other kid plays with everyone. Kids at any age have friends and they know who those friends are. Second, no kid needs 20 kids at a party - and no kid needs that many gifts - and no kids’ parent needs to pay that much for a party. My kids are typically allowed to invite their age . . . and they are not allowed to talk about their party at school since they do not invite the whole class.
Do you have your kids’ parties at home or at a birthday party factory? We’ve done both, and they seem to end up costing about the same amount of money depending on what you choose. Main difference is that when you go somewhere, less clean up
Do you invite your child’s friends’ siblings to the party? We always invite the siblings. We’ve got two kids and it really is tough to take one and not the other when one parent is gone. I have no problem with telling my kids the party is not for them, it’s for their sibling to attend, but I refuse to pay a sitter to watch child #2 while I take child #1 to a birthday party if hubby is gone. And besides, it just so happens that our kids are friends with the “main” friend and the siblings as well, so they usually end up inviting the siblings as part of their list anyway.
Do you let your child go to every party they’re invited to?
Finally, how much do you typically spend on gifts for kids’ birthday parties?
I’ve talked to lots of parents who believe kids’ birthday parties have gotten out of hand (one girl in the 1st grade last year actually had a limo pick up the guests and take them to the bead store for the party! sheesh!). I totally agree. What happened to inviting a few of your child’s closest friends over to play for a few hours and eat cake? I must admit that I love birthdays and parties and do throw birthday parties for my kids, but I do have a limit, both in money and energy spent I really am looking forward to the day when my kids get to choose 3 friends for a sleepover for their birthday . . . and thankfully those days are close!
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Friend birthday parties are not done every year in this house. They get one at 4, 8, 12 and then we’ll see from there. Strange years, I know, but I have too many kids, with birthdays close together to do it every year. (We always have family birthday parties and some very, very close friends are invited to those anyway.) We invite 10-12 kids, but luckily these are summer birthdays, so we’ve never dealt with the “don’t talk about it at school” thing.
As for other people’s birthday parties…we haven’t had issues with numerous parties. That may change now that my kids are getting into elementary school, but 9 in one month!!?? That’s crazy! If we can go, we go. If we can’t, we can’t. Sometimes means a disappointed child of mine, but they get over it. And gifts? Depends on how close we are to this child. If they are the kids of my friends and they are really like my own, I could go up to $20. Otherwise, under $10.
There’s my blog…on your blog!
I found your site by visiting LeeAnne’s blog, and seeing your link to your bad day. Very funny that was. Anyway, just wanted to comment on the party thing. I have 4 kids of varying ages (15, 12, 5 and 2 and expecting one more.) We used to spend quite a bit on parties, with bounce houses and all that (we don’t have play equipment in our back yard, like most good parents do.)
Now however, we don’t do that. I found it creates a sense of entitlement for the children. And if for whatever reason one gets a big party and another doesn’t that year, it just doesn’t seem fair. That and my two oldest’s birthdays are within 3 weeks of each other with Christmas in between. (Can you say KA-CHING?) For parties they go to, they are allowed 5-10 dollars for their friend’s gifts. The younger they are, the less I’m inclined to spend. I have to spend enough money on my own kids gifts, and also, many times at least two will go to the same party. That’s a chance at $20 worth of gifts just from us. So anyway, that’s my two cents. I like the 3 friends sleepover parties too. My eldest had one last year and when I woke up had pierced her ears with a needle! But that’s ok, I mean it was her 14th birthday. 
Well, my kids are still young for this…but this is my opinion. I actually have thought this through- being the teacher who ends up handing out the invites to everyone or just some kids…I have opinions. (go figure, me with an opinion…just crazy I know! ha ha)
I think that I will have my kids be allowed to invite a friend for their age like you do. I also think that asking them to not talk about it at school is a good idea. I think that I would not invite the whole class….too many kids and often time they don’t get along anyway (I have never had a class where all the kids got along). If I were to ask the teacher to hand out the invites though, I think I would do the whole class though because the kids see who got the invites and who didn’t. Otherwise, I would want to try to find a way to do it privately. I have tried many different ways to pass out the invitation without the whole class knowing and somehow they always seem to notice those things.
My theory on where to have a party is that on normal number birthdays do it at home and on the bigger birthdays (the 5’s and 0’s) you can do somewhere if the kid wants it.
Certainly invite the siblings along. Most times these are the families you are already doing things with and seeing at soccer, etc so your kids are all familiar with each other anyway. But, also, it is hard to explain to one kid that they get to do this and the other(s) don’t. I would not have a problem with other siblings being at a party I had.
I also think it isn’t possible to go to every party you are invited to. I think that other commitments (like soccer) are going on at the same time and you just have to say sorry I can’t make it from time to time. I think that is a great chance to teach the follow through on your commitments and having to choose between two things you like. All life lessons that will come up time and time again. Often times I think parents make the mistake and try to have their kid do EVERYthing. All this does is create a generation of kids who feel entitled to everything. They don’t think they have to work or compromise or anything…they just think they deserve it all. that just isn’t reality.
From a financial standpoint, I don’t think I go above $20 for gifts. Family gifts, friend gifts, - I try to keep it all in that range. My children’s day care does gifts at Christmas and I really try to keep those around $5 per kid….we just can’t afford to drop tons of money on all kinds of parties.
I would agree whole heartedly that parties today have gone way out of control. Your story about a limo for a 1st grader! That is insane. I think that kids deserve fun and to feel completely special on their birthday….but we need to be realistic and reasonable here. Where do you go after a limo for a 1st grader? again, we are creating a generation that feels entitled to anything and everything they want. I make my kids feel special in little ways - making a birthday crown, choosing the meal, sitting in mommy’s seat or daddy’s seat at the table, picking the family movie or snack or whatever else I can think of. Makes them feel important, grown up and doesn’t cost a thing.
Well, for what it is worth, that is my two cents. I think you and I are pretty much on the same page. I think I wrote a ton here….sorry!
This is very interesting to me since Megan’s 6th birthday is next weekend. This year SHE has decided she wants 6 girls over for a teddy bear picnic and she wants a unicorn theme. I am all for this! I actually asked if she wanted to go somewhere but she’d rather have friends come over and play than go somewhere and have to do something the entire time. She’s a bit of a control freak, like her mother. Since we do not have family close we did our “friend family” parties and invited just those close to us (which was growing after the years went by) and then at age 5 I said they could do their own party and invite who they want. Last year Megan had 3 kids her age and an 11& 13 year old (her “big sisters”). All the better for me because the older girls took care of everything! This year they were invited but happen to be busy - bummer! I also agree that my kids do not need a bunch of gifts that they won’t play with. The family does a good enough job there. I like what one friend used to do - while her son was younger she had everyone bring a cd, book and then they all went in a pile and the kids each got to bring one home. She didn’t think her 2-yr old needed more gifts. I also do not give a bunch of trinkets or candy for goody bags - who ever started this anyway? Last year I bought each of the girls a pair of pajamas and this year they are getting a unicorn book. I spend about the same amount of money and they have something tangible rather than more junk that their mom has to clean up. Let’s see - what else. The girls get to pick their restaurant on their birthday to eat at. We don’t do a big gift - again, they just don’t need much. I’m sure that will change as they get older. Megan wants Barbies this year but how many does she really need - she has like 20 already. So we may do roller blades. And other birthdays, we haven’t been inundated with them yet either - which I am happy for. I probably spend about $20 on gifts and more if they are family friends and both girls are invited. Oh, for one friends birthday this summer, this is what my girls came home with - swim kick boards, flip flops, goody bags and pinata candy. But I think this mom works just to throw parties - her adult parties are indulgent too and I love her for it! I just won’t be doing it! Ok, need to stop!