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Humor

Flu Shots and Stickers

An email and giggle from my Mom . . .

On Wednesday I went to the clinic to get my H1N1 shot.  The clinic had a room set up where all they did was give these shots by appointment.  When I arrived there was nobody else in there but right after I got there a woman came in with 3 little triplet boys that I would guess were about 3 years old.  The mom asked the boys who wanted to go first and they were standing in a line and none of them said anything…they all just shook their heads no.  Then the nurse stepped in and showed them a roll of very big stickers and said that after they got their shot they could pick out a couple of those.  Mom again asked who wanted to go first and again they all stood there and shook their heads no.  At that point I rolled up my sleeve and said to them, “You know what, I’ll go first and you’ll see that it really doesn’t hurt and you know what else…I don’t even get a cool sticker like you!”.   One of the little boys looked at me and said, “You don’t get a sticker?” and I said “no I don’t”.  He then said, “You can have my sticker because I’m not getting a shot!”.   The nurses and I laughed sooo hard!  I left feeling sorry for that mom because she wasn’t going to have an easy time.

Mr. Ford

Dude and I are standing in the kitchen after school, doing the customary empty the backpack, check the planner, look at the homework routine.

Me: Dude, looks like you have another big book report to do before winter break.
Dude: Yup. It has to be on an inventor or scientist of something like that.
Me: Do you know who you want to do it on?
Dude: Not really. I thought about it in the library, but there are too many to choose from.
Me: What if you did it on Henry Ford?
Dude: Why would I do it on Henry Ford? What did he do that was so amazing?
Me: Um, he only invented the CAR!
Dude: Oh totally, then! I totally want to do it on Henry Ford. That’s so cool that Han Solo invented the CAR!”
Me: (gasping for air from laughing to hard) Um Buddy, they are NOT the same person. HARRISON Ford was Han Solo – HENRY Ford invented the car.
Dude: Oh. Bummer. Oh well, inventing the car is cool anyway – I’ll guess I’ll do Henry Ford.

Puff Balls

I just got back from Parents Only Back To School Night. You get to go listen to your kids’ teachers give their schpeel about what’s going to happen that year and what they expect from the students and how things will go, blah blah blah. It actually was very informative, and I really do like going.

The highlight of my evening? Reading the wall outside Princess’ classroom . . . each student’s picture was on the board next to a piece of paper that started with “This year in school I want to learn . . .” Here is a sampling of answers from various 6 year olds . . .

. . . to read better.

. . . to write the alphabet.

. . . to write without looking.

. . . to mix potions together to make smoke.

. . . to cross the ocean without going in an airplane.

. . . to turn vanilla into chocolate.

And my personal favorite, compliments of my one and only Princess . . .

. . . how to blow puff balls at the ceiling.

Wisdom Teeth

A conversation with my 8 year old son while we waited for the IMAX movie to start.

Dude: Mom . . . when am I going to get braces?
Me: Not for quite a while, Buddy.
D: Why? Some kids in my class have braces already. Travis has braces already!
M: Dentist says you need to wait until all of your baby teeth fall out and your adult teeth come in. He also said he’d pull your wisdom teeth early so your teeth have more room to move when you get your braces.
D: My wisdom teeth? What are wisdom teeth?
M: Those are the big molars in the back of your mouth that grow in when you’re quite a bit older. Most people get them pulled out when they’re teenagers.
D: Why do they call them wisdom teeth?
M: Because they’re connected to your brain. They’re so far back there that the ones on top are connected to your brain. They hold your wisdom.
D: What?
M: They hold your wisdom. You know, the stuff you learn from living every day. Not the book stuff, but the stuff you learn just by doing stuff . . . that’s called wisdom. When you get those teeth pulled, you get kind of stupid for a while because they pull some of your wisdom out.
D: Nuh uh!
M: Yes HUH!
D: That’s not true! . . . is it?
M: Sure it’s true! Why do you think teenagers start making such stupid decisions around the time they get their wisdom teeth pulled out?
D: I dunno. I guess I never thought about it. . . . THAT’S NOT TRUE! . . . is it?
M: Think about it. Lots of teenagers make some really bad choices, don’t they?
D: Yes.
M: Well – that’s because they lose some of their wisdom when they get their wisdom teeth pulled out. They have to gain that wisdom back. And since you gain wisdom by living and learning every day, you have to live and learn again to gain that wisdom back . . . which means making some bad choices again until you learn.

Dude shakes his head in agreement, as if this all makes perfect sense.

D: Wow. I don’t know if I want my wisdom teeth pulled if I have to learn all this stuff over again!

I LOVE being able to mess with my kids :-)

The Best Lie I Ever Told My Kids (That they believed)

I was driving Princess to school this morning. She had a small pink stretchy lizard in her hand for show and tell.

Princess: Hey Mom, guess which hand the lizard is in.
Me: Your right one.
Princess: Awwww. You got it right!

Princess: Hey Mom, close your eyes and guess which hand the lizard is in.
Me: Princess, I’m driving!
Princess: Well, just close the eyes in the back of your head then – the ones that can see me behind you.

Friday Funny

Dude: Hey Mom, did you know that in the Amazon, their houses are built on these huge stilts so they don’t get water in there houses?!
Me: That’s kinda cool.
Dude: Ya. I’d LOVE to live in the Amazon because each of the adults AND the kids get their VERY OWN CANOE! And they get to paddle to school every day! That would be so cool!

Really? A canoe? That’s all it’ll take to make you happy? DONE! Now if I just lived in a state that had water . . .

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Dude: So next summer, are Princess and I going to do the YMCA summer camp?
Me: Probably.
Dude: Good. Because when they have the sports week where you do all those camps, I totally want to do that.
Me: OK. We’ll have to see what they have on the schedule for next summer.
Dude: Ya – and then you can come and watch me do the camps and stuff!
Me: Um, I don’t think so buddy. I’ll be at work.
Dude: What?!
Me: Ya – just like every other day, I’ll be at work, which is why you go to summer camp.
Dude: You have to WORK during the SUMMER?!
Me: Well yes! What did you think I did every summer when I took you guys to camp every morning?
Dude: I don’t know. I thought you just hung out at home and stuff. Wow. That must not be fun to never get to have all summer off. Why don’t you take summers off?
Me: Because we need money for food and water and clothes and stuff. Who would pay for that stuff?
Dude: Um, I dunno. But wow – it must really be bad to have to work ALL YEAR without a summer break!
Me: Yes . . . yes it kind of sucks.

The kid is 8 and has been going to daycare/camp since he was 8 weeks old. And all this time he thought that I just hung out during the summer – a slacker if you will. Sheesh!

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We are going to be “that” family this year . . . we’re celebrating Christmas with the inlaws next week while they’re here . . . more on that later. BUT, over the weekend, I got out all my Christmas gear and even wrapped presents. I’ve used the same wrapping paper for about 5 years . . . it was a GREAT idea to buy HUMONSTROUS rolls in bulk at Sam’s Club – really, it is great paper and even has lines on the backside so you can cut straight . . . but, it never gets gone. So, in an effort to get it gone this year, I decided to wrap the pictures on my walls.

Dude: Hey, what are all those presents on the walls for?
Me: Oh, I just decided to wrap the pictures so they looked like decorations.
Dude: I like the blue one the best.
Me: Really? Cool.
Dude: Actually, I like them all the best. They’re adorable!

Um, did you, my 8 year old son who likes only big loud noisy dirty camoflauge things say the decorations were “adorable”?

Things Are Tight This Year

I received this in an email and couldn’t resist :-)

My dear friends,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I’m not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You’ll most likely agree that it’s a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I’ve included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

  1. You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
  2. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
  3. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
  4. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
  5. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

  • Soft and Hygienic
  • Non-slip grip strips on the soles
  • Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
  • No more bending over to mop up spills
  • Disposable and biodegradable
  • Environmentally safe

Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags.

I’ve attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself….

Awaiting your response. It’s crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

Are Those Chopsticks?

We were in the House of Blues and Dude saw these . . . he thought it was cool that they had “flavored” chopsticks :-)

 

Edited: Due to overwhelming email messages (OK, 5, but still) I will qualify the post – no they are not chopsticks. They are incense. I just thought it was funny that Dude said “Cool, flavored chopsticks!”

Is That A Banana In Your Pocket?

Even though Dude did not find the perfect Halloween costume on our whirlwind tour of all stores costume on Sunday, he did find one that he found pleasantly amusing. It was this one from Old Navy.

Princess and Mom are browsing the kitty cat costume rack to see if they have the right size.

Dude: Hey Mom! Look at this cute monkey costume!

Me: That one is cute! Too bad you’re not a baby anymore or you could be that.

Dude: That would have been cool. Ya know what I like best about it?

Me: No. What?

Dude: The banana.

Me: (not really paying attention) The what?

Dude: The ba-NA-na. If I had this costume, I could have a banana in my pocket.

Me: (trying to hide my immature giggles). Dude, I wouldn’t go around telling everyone that you have a banana in your pocket.

Dude: Why not? What’s so bad about having a banana in your pocket?

Me: Just trust me.

Friday Flashback / Friday Funny

In light of all that’s going on with Mr. Favre in the world of football, I thought I’d tell you all about one of my most embarrassing moments.

When Hubby and I were just starting to date (about 100 years ago), we both worked at the Holiday Inn . . . he was a front desk person and I was a waitress – a match made in heaven. We lived in a small town that hosted the Vikings training camp every summer. During that time, a lot of the players’ wives would take up residency at the Holiday Inn, so Hubby got to know many of them very well – especially Rosie Randall, John Randall’s wife. When training camp was over and Rosie was getting ready to check out, she told Hubby that if he ever needed anything, to just let her know. He said “Well, there’s this new girl I’m dating, and she really likes football. Any chance you can hook me up with tickets to the Vikings/Packers game?”

Rosie came through and gave Hubby 2 tickets to the game, and I got to see my first NFL game in person. This was in the days of Jim McMahon playing quarterback for the Vikings, and I was NOT a McMahon fan. We got to the Metrodome and had the most wonderful seats . . . in the corner of the endzone about 10 rows up! Way to go Rosie!

The entire first half I sat there, bad mouthing everything McMahon did and hootin’ and hollerin’ every time the Packers did something good. At half time we got up and headed to get some beer like any other good Midwesterner at an NFL game would :-) When we came back, the lady next to me offered me a piece of gum after giving each of her kids a piece of gum.

It was at this point that I noticed she had a major huge rock on her finger! I mean, I have no idea how she could even raise her hand with this thing on! I said thank you for the gum. She said you’re welcome.

After a few plays in the second half, she said to me “So, you’re a Packer fan.” Me: “Yup. I love the Packers.”

She held out her hand to shake my hand and said “I’m Mrs. McMahon.”

Oh. My. GAWD! I have never wanted to disappear so badly in my life!

Turns out, Rosie gave us HER tickets to the game, in the players’ wives section! We were sitting in her actual seats next to a bunch of the players’ wives – um VIKINGS players’ wives . . . me with my Packers jersey on, badmouthing the quarterback husband of the woman sitting next to me.

I dare you to top that!